Today – Of Life, Change, Growth, Pain, Progress, Hope

My life is full of some pretty amazing stuff right now. Amazing, terrifying, unimaginable, promising, unbelievable. Life changing cannot even touch it. It’s indescribable. Freedom. The future and the unknown can be pretty frightening, at least for me.

But I do know this, that this is all good.

And I will take whatever comes my way and keep moving forward, and not look back. Unforgettable.

WHAT. A. RIDE. LIFE. IS.

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……………………………………………………………..

And I’ll be bold

As well as strong

And I’ll use my head alongside my heart.

So take my flesh

Fix my eyes

A tethered mind free from the lies.

I WILL WAIT – MUMFORD & SONS

Thursday Therapy – Getting Real

THAT’S RIGHT.

I have a therapist. And I love her. I love what she’s done and is doing for my life. I love what I’ve discovered – the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful and the painful. I love it all. I love that I gave myself the gift of getting real, taking responsibility for my life and my feelings, the chance to move forward, and the opportunity to grow and become a better version of myself.

I won’t say my journey through therapy so far has been an easy one, it’s been one of the absolute hardest things I’ve ever done in my life actually, but it’s definitely been beautiful. It’s not for everyone, but I think it for sure is for me. I’m one of those that keeps everything inside, insecure and afraid to be me, that avoids the bad situations, ignores my mistakes. But that is not me anymore – I will declare that right now. I am accepting of my past, my life, the pain, the hurt, the mistakes, the detours and the missed opportunities. {Speak it, and it will be true…} Because they all lead me to today, which I am so grateful for.

Almost one year ago I was absolutely lost. On the outside it looked like everything was perfect in my life. Beautiful baby girl, hard-working handsome boyfriend, our own place, our own cars, a very good job, money to pay the bills, family that loved us, good friends. And yet, on the inside I was still the angry, hurt, scared little girl – insecure, disillusioned, unhappy one minute and happy the next, confused, lost. It lead to plenty of arguments and more of me feeling insecure about myself and my life. I was ignoring all of the pain from my past that I didn’t want to forgive, not letting go, letting it run my ‘todays’. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, feared the worst. It was HORRIBLE.

Depression is a serious issue. And I am battling it – I’ve struggled with it most of my life, but I’ve tried to sweep it under the rug thinking it wasn’t going to rule my world or affect my life. Wrong. It’s also not something to be ashamed of. Hence, I am sharing the fact that I struggle with it with everyone. It doesn’t mean you are sick, broken, or messed up.

One day, when I thought I was soon to be a single mother, eternally unhappy and ruining my daughter’s life like I had feared I would – I sucked it up and asked for my friend’s therapist’s information. I scheduled an appointment for the next week, but ended up moving it to that next afternoon on a workday. I wanted my life and I wanted it now.

process

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I can go into great detail about all that I’ve learned about myself, and maybe I will little by little. But, all I know right now, is that I’ve grown so much since that day in September. Therapy can bring out a lot of painful stuff, but it’s so worth it to me. It gives me the chance to acknowledge the pain or issue and start trying to understand it, forgive it, or simply let it be and stop fighting it. My therapist says a lot ‘don’t fight it, acknowledge it’. Life is terribly hard when you’re fighting your insecurities, your fears, your weaknesses…why not accept what’s making you insecure and give it its place and decide that moving forward, you will work on changing whatever it is and at the same time remind yourself that it’s a work in progress. WOW.

Honestly, as my therapist says, I’m learning how to grow up all over again at the same time that I’m teaching my daughter. It’s hard, and sad at times for me, but it’s also really exciting. I get this chance to discover myself and my heart and my daughter gets to see it all. And really, I do a lot of this for her too. I dream that my daughter will always look up to and admire me.

The reason I decided to share this part of me is because I’ve been doing so much soul searching lately. I’ve changed a lot this past year and feel that there’s something more out there for me, but I just need to figure out what it is. And therapy has helped me a lot. Going to an actual therapist isn’t the only therapy I do though – I read inspirational and motivational blogs constantly, I pin and pin and pin inspirational quotes, I listen to pretty music that gets my soul going, I read books – my therapist gave me 4 the other day and I also bought 2 at the bookstore…I eat this stuff up!. And I share a lot of what I find on my FB page, my Pinterest and here. I love love love sharing. I think therapy is so healthy for everyone. We all just need someone to listen some days. Someone to not judge, not tell us what to do, not scold, shame or any of that. Maybe there’s something you don’t feel you could share with anyone in your world, but it eats you alive. Therapy, of any sort, is amazing for this. Writing in a journal, writing a blog, talking to others, helping others…

I can say for me, therapy has given me my life. Well, I have given me my life, but therapy has helped me tremendously. I can only hope that someone reads this and knows they’re not alone. And that it’s ok to reach out, however you feel comfortable and however you want. Regardless of what others in your life tell you, especially regardless of them. I helped a coworker the other day gather suicide prevention resources for a colleague of her husband. It wasn’t part of my work, but she knew I’d want to help if she came to me, and I jumped on it the second she asked. Because, the thought of some poor girl out there, whose boss is about to fire her because she has ‘issues’, who’s willing to end her life, it broke my heart. I know what that girl feels like. I know what it feels like to be so low that you don’t care about your own life. Or anyone else’s that loves you either. To want to end it all, to end the pain and not feel lost and alone anymore. I know that feeling. And nobody deserves it. We all deserve love, happiness and freedom from our pain and fears. Maybe all she needs is someone to care about her. Maybe she needs someone to talk to, to tell them what has taken her to that place. Maybe she needs someone to show her that she is worthy of her own love.

who you are

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I love learning to love myself. Here are some of my favorite places to go for ‘therapy’:

Momastery

Positively Positive

My Pinterest Inspiration Board

People Of The Second Chance

The Daily Love

A Beautiful Song: Low Roar – Give Up