So, I’ve already let my big plans go for keeping up with my blog and really getting into it…I could try and use the excuse that I (along with little my family) started off 2012 with the sickness from hell, morphing into an ear infection in my little honey and a bronchitis-sinus infection duo for me. Or that I’ve let myself get behind at work and have been stressing and playing catch up. But, those are still excuses. Besides, it let us enter the new year with the reminder that we should always be thankful for our health. (Because it SUCKED the first two weeks!)
I’ve actually been mentally preparing a post in my head these last few days, allll about my new Clean Lifestyle endeavor. It will have to wait for another day because I think it will be quite detailed – and all over the place just like me- because I have something else on my mind today. I can’t even ignore it. I keep trying…trying to work, trying to focus…but I CAN’T! I keep getting little little ‘messages’, little ‘nudges’ (I don’t care if you don’t believe in those…I do. I know God has his own language.) Really there isn’t a main idea or theme for my blog post. It’s just an acknowledgement really; gratitude for what I have and the opportunities in life. The second chances we all have with every new minute. I’ve learned a lot since starting therapy – that’s right, I have a therapist. An amazing therapist, and I’m not ashamed one bit! – I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned how to begin healing (we’ve all dealt with things in our life…no need to get into details right now…but I’m no different), how to change the way I think, how to not try to be a perfectionist in every aspect of my life, how to be a parent, how to communicate, how to handle situations, and mostly how to love myself. It’s so much easier for other people to love you when you love yourself. Anyway, the best part, is that I’ve learned every day is an opportunity to learn more, to grow more. And that’s exactly what I’m doing. Allowing myself to make the mistakes is tough, especially for someone who is used to beating herself up and guilting herself for mistakes. But, I’m actually enjoying the learning, FOR THE MOST PART.
Let’s get to where this all started – my daughter. The 2 year old. The 2 year old who just might believe she is 13 years old some days. My 2 year old is strong willed. She knows what she wants and she doesn’t let up easily. I can appreciate it, I can even admire it. But, man, as Mommy…somedays I JUST CAN’T PUT UP WITH IT! Or so I thought. The little sugar was extra stubborn this morning, literally fighting me getting into the car seat (ok ok, I know it was me doing the fighting, she’s only two…but still, no time for that!) and it just really irked me. So Mommy lost it, and yelled ‘Mommy said stop it!!’. 😦 So of course my little honey is devastated and heart broken (they’re good at making mommies feel like the worst person to ever exist with just the expression on their face), so we hug and talk about it and I apologise and everything is good. But, I know that should not happen and I need to get a hold of the situation, I just don’t know how because now I’m overwhelmed by the defiant child and the guilty thoughts. So we get to Nana’s house (nanny) and I can’t hold back. She’s great. Like, so great. She gives me the 123Magic book, which I will most likely read front to back tonight. Side note: Amazingly, I’ve noticed that whenever I start with 1..2…all crazy 2 year old activities cease and she starts listening (along with the whiny ‘nooooo’ some times). It’s just in some instances I don’t remember the whole count and be calm thing. Out the window it goes! (Working on it…part of the whole learning thing.) So, she talks with me about it, give me the book and I leave feeling much better and forgive myself for the setback. I thank God for that nanny interception and feel better about it. It’s amazing how things like guilt and being upset affect so many other things…your mood, the demeanor, the way you think, the way you feel.
So, I continue my day at work (still wishing and planning to leave the office 8-5 job…whole ‘nother blog post) and I’m just amazed at the little things that speak to me. A beautiful message about God making me in his image, and loving me. A message about moving forward. Some really great pins on Pinterest about daughters and a link to Loving the Little Years, a great book that I think I’ll buy on Amazon. Just like that I was able to start over, fresh and ready to move forward. This opportunity is just wonderful. It made me start thinking about my little girl’s silly little quirks and and before long I’m sitting here ready to see her, excited about what the day will bring. (She tried pulling one on Nana at lunchtime today…got an email about it…gotta love her!)
*Through my lunchtime Pinterest perusing (have I mentioned that I love Pinterest so?), I found this awesome list for Fathers and Daughters. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t have tears in my eyes, because OH MAN I DID! It made me so so so excited about my baby girl having such a great Daddy. So much so, that I did something I dont’ usually do and I got out of my comfort zone (there’s another one of those learning things), and I sent him a little message thanking him. For loving us, for loving her. You see, it’s a touchy subject with me, but I have a lot of joy watching my little girl have a Daddy. It’s kind of like a second chance…instead it’s not one of those by-the-minute kind, it’s a lifetime kind.
When I sit down and think about it, it reminds me what truly is important in life. Job, money…they would mean nothing to me if I didn’t have people to love and people that love me. And THEN, I think back to the MMA match with the little sugar this morning, and it’s like WOW. It was just a fleeting moment, a 2 year old being a 2 year old, and mommy being human. I don’t have to dwell on those things. I know what’s important, I know what will make us happy, and there’s no need to focus on the bad. I have all these moments and these times to enjoy, to learn and grow, and I get to do it with the ones I love. Some times I just need the little ‘messages and nudges’ to remind me of it. I just love second chances.